The Girl She Used to Be,The Woman She was Becoming
by blueaeryn1
Summary: Peyton Sawyer leaves Lucas Scott's book signing in LA without saying a word and meets a man that will come back to haunt her future. Some season six spoilers
1. Chapter 1

She had waited, worried and fretted over seeing him all day

She had waited, worried and fretted over seeing him all day. She had chosen her outfit carefully. A pale yellow dress she had bought ages ago but never felt like wearing. It was tucked in the back of her closet, but when he called to ask her to his book signing, she knew she finally felt like wearing it.

Now she stared down at the offending garment and cursed its existence. She had to remind herself to breath as she stepped out onto the busy sidewalk. People brushed by her, so busy in their own lives, cell phones stuck to their ears, or lost in their own thoughts.

Why had he called? She was doing okay, or at least pretending to be okay. It hurt more then she cared to admit to wake up in that big bed alone in that hotel room in LA. Waking, hoping he had just stepped out only to realize his suitcase was gone, and the mixed CD she had so carefully put together for him, lying beside her.

And then hope sprang again when he called her out of the blue. Come to my book signing, I want to see you he had told her. She was so proud of him when she walked into the crowded books store and saw all the people there to see him. And then she saw him – Lucas Scott, the love of her life, just as handsome as she remembered, but part of the boyish features replaced by the maturity of a man.

She hesitantly walked toward him, rehearsing over and over in her mind what she would say. That is when she saw her. The tall, mature and confident woman beside him, and then she leaned in and kissed him. It was then Peyton began having trouble breathing. Watching her dreams, her life, pass before her eyes.

Why was she such a fool to believe he would not have someone in his life? He had moved on and she had stood still. She quickly backed away from him and walked out of the bookstore.

So, here she was on the streets of LA. It was where all her dreams were supposed to come true, but it was a nightmare. She walked briskly down the street and passed a trendy bar. Peyton rarely drank but at this moment it was all she could think of. Drowning her sorrows, erasing the past, she had to stop living in what could have been. She had to face her future without Lucas Scott. He had found one without Peyton Sawyer.

She sat at the bar and quickly ordered a drink. The bartender sat it down before her and she stared at it.

"You gonna' drink that or just stare at it," a voice beside her said.

Peyton turned to see a well-dressed man sitting beside her. He twirled the glass of his own drink and the ice clinked together as he did.

"Me?" He said as he lifted his glass. "I am celebrating closing my first movie deal." He gave her a wide toothy grin.

"How about you?" He continued. "Let me guess, drowning your sorrows?"

"Something like that," Peyton replied. She turned back to her drink and picked up the glass draining the contents.

"Wow," she heard the man say. "A girl after my own heart."

He moved closer to her, taking up residence in the bar stool next to her. "The name is Julian." He held out his hand to her.

Peyton wasn't going to give him her name but she suddenly had a, what the hell attitude. How much longer did she have to put her life on hold for Lucas Scott?

"Peyton," she said taking his hand.

"How about we do a little drinking," Julian asked her. "You can help me celebrate and I can help you get over your sorrows."

"Maybe you can," Peyton said as she gave him a slight smile. "Maybe you can."

The drinks flowed and the time passed until Peyton lost track of both. When the haze of the alcohol faded a bit, Peyton found herself being led out of the bar, the attractive man who said his name was Julian leading her out the doorway. The bright L.A. sunshine was now replaced by darkness illuminated by the night-life that now surrounded them.

"Where are we going," Peyton mumbled. She stumbled a bit.

"I am taking you home." Julian raised his hand and hailed a cab. A bright yellow cab pulled up and Julian opened the door and folded Peyton inside. He scooted her over and joined her inside the car. He asked Peyton her address and she mumbled it and then lay her head against the seat.

"I think I drank too much," Peyton admitted.

She heard Julian chuckle beside her.

Before she knew it, the car came to a halt and they were in front of her apartment building. She tried to refuse Julian's help but he said it was the least he could do, helping her to her apartment.

After opening the door, fishing out the key from her purse, Peyton walked backwards into her apartment. She looked into Julian's eyes and then his features and shook her head. For a moment, oh just a fleeting moment, she saw Lucas in him - her Lucas, the boy, the man who would forever own her heart.

"Want to come in," Peyton invited boldly.

"I don't think it would be a good idea," Julian said as he contradicted himself by walking into the apartment and then shutting the door. "Wouldn't want you to say I took advantage of you."

"Who says you are using me?" Peyton questioned as grasped the collar of Julian's shirt and pulled him to her. "Maybe you are just what I need."

She kissed him long, kissed him hard and closed her eyes tighter as she did so. The path from her living room to the bedroom was a speedy journey and before Peyton knew it they both were naked and in her bed.

Julian kissed her deeply and was poised above her. She knew this was some random guy, she knew this wasn't what she normally did. But after seeing Lucas again after a year apart and seeing him move on with someone else, Peyton was sure she would never be that Peyton Sawyer again.

So, she closed her eyes and felt Julian enter her all the while mourning the loss of Lucas and the girl she used to be. And realizing the woman she was becoming.


	2. Chapter 2

Was it possible to live your life and not know you were living it

Was it possible to live your life and not know you were living it? Could the haze, the disassociation and carelessness keep you from remembering why you were here and what you were doing?

Peyton weighed the question as she sat at a small table in a restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. Again she was waiting on Julian. He was 30 minutes late but when had he been on time in the six months they had been dating.

Six months since that fateful night in her apartment when she used him for sex, trying to squeeze Lucas Scott from her mind. She had tried to be the wanton and selfish woman people accused of her of being but she ended up again being the Peyton Sawyer she was. A girl, a woman, who when she made a connection with a man she stayed with him. It was why she was with Julian. It was why she was in the mess she was in now.

She had just ordered another glass of tea when her cell phone rang. It was Julian.

"Hello," she said in an expectant voice.

"Hey, babe," Julian said easily. "Listen, really running late here and won't be able to make it." She heard laughter in the background. "Can we try to hook up tomorrow?"

"I told you I had something I needed to talk to you about," Peyton told him.

"I know, babe, but it can't be helped," he said blowing Peyton off. "I promise I will make it up to you."

"But..," Peyton began before Julian cut her off.

"Listen, gotta go," he said and the phone went dead.

"I just want to tell you I'm pregnant," Peyton said to the phone. "Thought you would like to know."

Peyton sighed and put her cell phone back in her purse. She didn't know how long she sat at the table in the restaurant before she willed herself from the chair and forced herself to walk out of the restaurant.

She walked for what seemed like hours. L.A. was a place that never slept. There was always something going on, always something to do. She had chosen this life, wanted the excitement, wanted to spread her wings. Wanted to be where the music was.

What she found was heartache, falling into a relationship with a man she knew was not faithful. And now she found herself pregnant by that man and wishing it was another man's child she carried.

Lucas Scott. He still haunted her soul. She had lost count how many copies of his book "The Unkindness of Ravens" she had bought. When she read his words, how he had described her and how much his love for her poured from the pages, she could close her eyes and imagine his arms wrapping around her like the words in his book.

"I was now and I would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer." Lucas' words mocked her. It was a lie. Where had that promise gone and why had it doomed her?

She should have just fought harder. Peyton Sawyer had no use for Lucas Scott growing up. The boy whose eyes followed her every movement and believed she never noticed him doing so.

But fate had intervened that day when her car broke down on that dusty road. The red tow truck rambled down the road carrying with it a boy with piercing blue eyes and a gentle soul. A boy who quit the thing he loved the most, basketball, to save his mother the pain of seeing the man who had fathered him and abandoned her. The boy who had told her that story because they didn't know each other and because he wanted her to know him.

He had taken her from the darkness that surrounded her. A motherless girl who wanted to test the waters of fate, who flirted with the thoughts of death, and who longed to shed the shroud of loneliness as much as she embraced it.

Lucas Scott had shown her what living could be like, what it was like to love and what it was like to be loved. And then he had taken it away and left her the shell of the woman she was today.

A woman tied to a man she could never love carrying a baby she could never embrace. She was almost 21-years-old and Peyton Sawyer was convinced her life was over and she had no way to escape it.

Two days passed and she had not heard from Julian. The weight of the knowledge of her pregnancy pressed on her. She wanted to tell him, get the news out, so they could discuss what to do next.

She knocked on his door twice but there was no answer. Deciding she would just wait on him until he returned, Peyton used the key he gave her and let herself in.

Would life be more simple if lived in blissful ignorance? Or is the truth easier to accept when it is revealed? Peyton wasn't sure which she wanted to adopt when she opened the door to Julian's apartment and saw him in the embrace of the tall, leggy brunette. She had suspected he was never faithful to her, but to have it paraded in front of her was more then she could bare.

Peyton heard Julian say her name but it was all a blur. She turned quickly from the scene and ran out of the apartment and down the hallway. She heard his footfalls behind her. Deciding to forgo the elevator, assured he would catch up with her if she waited, she decided to take the stairs. She opened the door to the stairwell and began the long and winding journey down the 12 flights. She heard Julian behind her, matching her footsteps as he tried to catch up with her.

"Peyton," he yelled. "Please wait."

She turned at his voice and when she did, Peyton's foot missed one of the precarious steps and she felt herself loose her balance. And then she began to tumble. She felt the concrete batter her body as she fell down the steps. She could taste the blood as her mouth hit the banister and she felt her midsection slam into the wall as the momentum of her fall finally halted her two flights later.

All she could think about as she lost consciousness was that maybe just maybe this would free her from this life in more ways then one.

Careful what you wish for, it just might come true and then the guilt and regret will be all you are left with. Peyton felt that. She had gotten her wish. The fall had ended her problem, the unplanned pregnancy with the man she could never love. The guilt weighed on her, thinking she had doomed an innocent life so that she could be free.

Her hospital stay was extensive and when she was released Julian was nowhere to be found. He had learned of the baby and had left her in the hospital without a backward glance.

"It's been fun, Peyton," he had told her. "It's not fun anymore. I told you I wasn't a serious guy." He shook his head. "This just isn't fun anymore."

Peyton Sawyer had always been known as the solitary girl. The girl who was always surrounded by people but was also alone, but she never truly felt alone until today. The day she was released from the hospital and no one was there to take her home.

After that day she immersed herself in her work. She vowed never to open herself to anyone again. Success, for her, would be found in her work. And she would find fulfillment there. After everything that happened she didn't deserve happiness, she had lost that right and could never earn it again.


	3. Chapter 3

Do you really think you deserve this happiness

Do you really think you deserve this happiness?

The voice awoke Peyton from the sound sleep she was enjoying. She turned slightly and felt him beside her. She would find herself doing that, reaching for him in her sleep. Making sure it wasn't just a dream – a cruel trick. Yes, he was there, like he had been for the last two months.

The warmth of his body calmed her, chased away her fears. But the voice was coming more frequently. Maybe it was because the wedding was just weeks away and finally all her dreams were coming true. Dreams she believed would never come, dreams she believed she didn't deserve.

But they had. He had called her in an unsure voice and asked her to be with him. To forget the pain and the past and build a future together, and she couldn't deny him or her heart. Some would probably call her weak for answering his call and coming to him so quickly but when you get your chance at happiness, if you know in your heart it is what will make your life complete, how can you deny it?

Peyton knew she didn't deserve this happiness. Not after all that had happened but she was adopting his philosophy. He had said he wanted to be selfish with her and she wanted to do the same. She had dreamed ever since that night in the hotel room for a second chance and she had gotten it and before she knew it she would soon be Peyton Scott, wife of Lucas Scott.

All was right with the world. That should have been her first clue that her world was about to come crashing around her.

Peyton hung up the phone in her office and shook her head. Lucas sounded funny. He sounded happy, sounded a bit confused but also sounded a little drunk. "Come out of your office and into TRIC, baby," he said with a bit of a slur. "Someone wants to meet you. He is handing me an offer I can't refuse."

She sat in the chair at her desk for a few minutes trying to wrap her mind around the strange call only to finally decide to go out into TRIC and see what was going on. Since Peyton's record label Red Bedroom Records' offices were in the back of TRIC it was a short walk to find her fiancé.

Walking out into the busy bar, Peyton was swarmed with the sound of a heavy beat of music mixed with the muffled sounds of people drinking and having a good time. She immediately spotted Lucas. He was wearing that brown flannel shirt he loved so, the one she had tried to sneak and giveaway last week. He had snatched it from the Goodwill box, claiming it was his lucky shirt. She smiled as she watched him carefully hang it back in the closet, vowing to snatch it back when he wasn't looking.

Lucas was leaned over the pool table eyeing his shot. She slowly crept up behind him and just before he was about to shoot the ball with the pool stick, Peyton reached around Lucas' waist and drew him away from the table.

"Hey, baby," she whispered in his ear.

Lucas' shot was wide as the white cue ball smacked into the side of the pool table missing the collection of balls.

"Oops, I guess I messed up your shot," she said seductively.

"It's okay, darlin'" he said turning to her. "You can make me miss anytime you want."

Lucas leaned into her and kissed her soundly. Peyton drank in his kiss, his touch, his warmth. It was if she was savoring every moment.

"So, this is your girl," a male voice said breaking the mood.

"Yeah," Lucas said spinning Peyton around. "This is my fiancée, Peyton."

"Funny," the voice said again. "I don't see an engagement ring. To me that means fair game."

Peyton felt her heart stop. That voice. The way he spoke. The memories came flooding back. Julian.

She didn't want to face his direction but she willed herself to turn. And when she did she was staring into the face of her past. The man she had used to try and forget Lucas with, the man who was the father of a child that never was. The one person that could jeopardize the happiness she craved so with Lucas.

"Lucas," Peyton said in a whisper. "I will be back in a moment. I have to go to the bathroom."

"Baby," you okay," Lucas said his voice laced with concern. Lucas rubbed his hand through her hair. "You are as pale as a ghost."

"I'm fine," Peyton said trying to reassure him. "Be back in a sec."

Peyton hurried to the back of TRIC and to the bathroom. She went to the row of sinks and turned on the facet, cupping water in her hand and splashing her face. The cool water trickled down her face as she tried to calm her nerves.

"Why, Peyton," a familiar voice said. "You look like you have seen a ghost."

Peyton jerked her head up to stare into the eyes of Julian who was standing beside her in the ladies room.

"What are you doing here," Peyton said in an accusing tone. "What do you want?"

"Come on Peyton," he baited. "You know what I want."

"No I don't." Peyton's voice was laced with venom.

"Your Lucas has an amazing book and I am an amazing producer," Julian said. "I am going to turn his book, your life story, into a movie."

Julian moved closer to Peyton and took her arm. She tried to jerk it from his grasp but he held on tighter. "But I bet he doesn't know one part of the story. Our part. How you almost had my baby."

"Get out," Peyton screamed. "You arrogant bastard. Just get out."

"Okay," Julian held up his hands. "I am leaving here. But I am not going anywhere. I had time to think. And I think I liked having you around Peyton. I was a jerk to you all those years ago. And I think I am going to make it up to you."

"No thanks," Peyton said. "You were someone to make me for forget Lucas. Why would I need you when I have the real thing back?" It was meant to put a dagger in his heart and stop his swaggering tone.

"We will see who gets the dagger in the heart," Julian threatened. "Oh, don't worry. I am not stalker number two for you. I have bigger plans."

With that Julian walked out of the bathroom and left Peyton to stare after him. She heard the words in her dreams again.

"Do you really think you deserve this happiness?"

"I guess I don't," she told the voice as she stared at herself in the mirror. "Maybe I never did."


	4. Chapter 4

Peyton took a few deep breaths and calmed her nerves before leaving the bathroom and heading back to Lucas

Peyton took a few deep breaths and calmed her nerves before leaving the bathroom and heading back to Lucas. When she rounded the corner she was relieved to see him standing by the pool table alone. Julian had left.

"Peyton, you doing okay," Lucas asked as he walked to meet her. He took her hand and drew her close to him.

"Yeah, sorry," Peyton said.

"Uh," he groaned. "I wanted you to meet Julian but he had to leave."

"Julian," Peyton feigned ignorance to the name and the man.

"Yeah, it is so weird." Lucas led Peyton over to a table near the bar. "He came to town wanting to buy the rights to "The Unkindness of Ravens" and make it into a movie."

Peyton already knew that, with the comments Julian made but again she pretended to be surprised. "What do you think about that," Peyton prodded.

"I think it is pretty cool," Lucas said taking Peyton's hand. "But I told him I had to talk to you."

"Why?" Peyton cocked her head and stared at Lucas.

"Because Peyton," Lucas chuckled. "You are going to be my wife, I thought you would want to share this decision with me."

"Oh," Peyton said quietly. She stared off into the crowd trying to control her warring emotions. "I don't know Lucas," Peyton began. "What do you know about him?"

"Not much," Lucas conceded. "But my agent checked him out and said he is legit and has a pretty good track record turning novels into movies. This could set us up for a while. Give us enough money for me to continue to write and give us time to spend time together."

Peyton simply shook her head.

"You want that, don't you Peyton," Lucas' voiced was laced with a hint of fear. Again, the insecure boy raised his head in the man Lucas had become. When it came to Peyton he always held a hint of insecurity about her love.

"Of course, baby," Peyton reassured him. "I am just not sure about this guy."

"Why don't we go home," Lucas suggested. "We can talk about it and maybe do a bit more."

Peyton threw him a smile. "I would like that."

Lucas took her hand and led her from TRIC. They had both drove so each got into their cars and made their way home.

Walking into the house she shared with Lucas, Peyton quickly shimmied off her blue dress and watched it pool to the ground beneath her feet. Lucas was in the bathroom and she pulled back the covers on the bed and got in.

A few seconds later, Lucas emerged and smiled as he saw Peyton waiting on him. "So, I see you have plans for me." Lucas smiled."

"Oh, yes, I have some serious plans for you Lucas Scott." She held out her hand to him.

Lucas jumped on the bed and on top of Peyton. He kissed her deeply and she answered his kiss with her own. Crawling under the covers, Lucas noticed Peyton was naked and ready for him.

There was no time for preparation or anything else as the came together in a fury. Hot, slick skin and deep long kisses. It was if they were drinking in each other and neither could stop if they wanted to.

Satisfied and sedate, Lucas pulled Peyton close to him and she laid her head on his shoulder. It was, as if, there was a clock ticking in Peyton's head. She felt the happiness surround her but also a darkness and it frightened her.

Peyton knew she should tell Lucas about her and Julian, about their past. Secrets had a way of never staying hidden and she was sure this was the case.

But for now she wanted to hide in the veil of her happiness. Soak in the feeling of Lucas beside her, of his love.

His voice broke her from the trance she was in. "I think we might be in trouble," Lucas said in a serious tone. He lifted his head from the pillow and placed it on his palm to stare down at her.

"What do you mean?" Peyton's heart was racing. Her secret flowing up inside her ready to spill out.

"We didn't use anything," Lucas said. "It was so quick, I didn't have time."

"What are you talking about," Peyton answered but then she knew. They hadn't used a condom.

"But, if it happens it happens, right?" Lucas said trying to defuse the situation. "After all we are getting married and we both want babies."

We both want babies. Lucas' words filled her and she turned her head from him. It shamed her to hear him say this. To know that she felt she didn't deserve to have a child, that to her, that chance to bring in a new life was doomed the day she had all but willed the life she carried away.

"Peyton," Lucas said worry in his voice. "You do want kids right?" Lucas turned her to face him. "Peyton?"

"Lucas," Peyton began. "I have something to tell you."


	5. Chapter 5

"What is it

"What is it?" Lucas pulled Peyton closer.

She was going to tell him. She had every intention of telling him. But then she looked into his deep blue eyes, seeing the love there all for her and she couldn't do it. Just one more day, she told herself. Just give me one more day.

"I have to tell you that I would love to have your baby," Peyton said forcing a laugh. "But I am not sure you will love me when I am fat."

"There will just be more of you to love," Lucas said laughing. He reached under the covers and began to tickle her side.

Peyton jumped and joined him in the laughter. The seriousness of her situation, and the darkness faded at least for the moment. But then thing about darkness was it was always there, the shadows slowly creeping in, enveloping the light until it consumed it completely.

Peyton was preparing for work when her phone rang. Lucas was in the shower and she could hear him humming a tone. She smiled. This was her life, this is the way she wanted it, the way she wanted it to stay.

"Hello," Peyton said answering the phone.

"Hey, Peyton, it's Mia."

"Hey, Mia," Peyton said smiling. "What's up rock star?"

"I am in Chicago," Mia began. "There are some things going on with the tour. I hate to ask, but can you meet me up her before tonight's concert?"

Peyton turned back to where Lucas was in the shower. Her life was on the brink of shambles, secrets and lies surrounded her and now her work was calling for her attention as well.

"Uh, sure," Peyton said reluctantly. "I'll catch a flight this afternoon."

Peyton hung up the phone and sat on the bed. Just then Lucas emerged bare chest, hair damp from the shower and a towel slung around his hips.

"What's up?" Lucas asked as he went to his closet.

"That was Mia," Peyton said holding up her cell phone. "She needs me to meet her in Chicago tonight. Something about the tour."

"Oh, when do you have to leave?" Lucas chose a pair of worn jeans and a navy blue shirt. He turned back to face Peyton.

"I will catch a flight this afternoon," Peyton told him. She got up from the bed and walked beside Lucas. "I'm sorry. I know you got a lot of stuff going on."

"It's okay," Lucas said kissing her on the forehead. "Go, I can sort this out."

Peyton grew worried. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," Lucas dropped the towel and slid into his jeans. "I guess I will meet with Julian again today and just hear more of what he has to say."

"Lucas," Peyton took his arm. "Be careful with this guy." Peyton's words were pleading.

"It sounds like you know him," Lucas said.

It was her opening. Just say it Peyton. Yes, I knew him in LA. We were together, we have a past. But she didn't. It wasn't the right time. "I just want you to be careful and not rush into anything."

"I won't, Peyton." Lucas kissed Peyton on the lips. "I promise. Now, you better get going so you can meet Mia. No telling what she has gotten herself into."

"Okay," Peyton kissed Lucas again and then went to the door picking up her briefcase on her way out. "I will call you when I get there."

"You better," Lucas scolded. And then he winked at her as she walked out the door.

Lucas was just finishing an email to his agent when there was knock on the door. He hit the send button and went to answer it. He wasn't really surprised to open the door and find Julian standing there.

"Hope I'm not interrupting," Julian said as he looked inside.

"No," Lucas said. "I was just finishing up an email. Come in."

Lucas opened the door wider and Julian walked in. "Is Peyton here," Julian asked. "Didn't get to meet her last night."

"No, Peyton had to fly to Chicago today," Lucas told him. He led Julian into the living room and the two men sat down.

"Isn't that convenient," Julian said under his breath.

"What was that," Lucas asked.

"Oh, nothing." Julian reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope. "Well, Lucas, I have the contract right here. What you say we sign this thing and start working together."

"I don't know," Lucas said crossing his legs. "I still have to talk to Peyton."

"Oh, it is that kind of relationship." Julian clicked his tongue. "I see."

"See what?" Lucas was getting a bit annoyed.

"She wears the pants," Julian shook his head. "I get it."

"Comments like that are not going to win me over," Lucas said leaning forward. "I don't tolerate anyone disrespecting Peyton or my relationship with her."

"Sorry, dude," Julian held up his hands. "No disrespect intended. It's just I am the kind of guy that sees something and goes after it. After reading your book, I thought you were too."

"Give me the contract," Lucas held out his hand. Julian handed it to him.

Lucas looked over it, flipping each page. When he got to the end, he grabbed a pen off the coffee table. Without even looking at Julian, he signed the contract.

"How is that?" Lucas tossed the contract back at Julian.

"I say that is great." Julian folded it up and put it back in his jacket pocket. "Let's make a movie."

"Great," Lucas slapped his thigh.

"I do have a couple of suggestions," Julian interceded. "Just to make the movie more interesting."

"The story is pretty set," Lucas said defensively.

"Oh, we keep the same premise," Julian rose from his seat and began to pace. "But I was thinking of shaking a few things up. Like, the lead guy staying with the hot head cheerleader. Seems a bit unrealistic for him to drop her and go after the girl with all the issues."

"It's not realistic," Lucas got up and walked toward Julian. "It is real life. That girl is Peyton."

"Yeah, yeah," Julian waved his hand. "But who says art has to imitate life. The book is just guidelines." Julian slapped his hands together. "Yeah, I am feeling this."

"I'm not." Lucas was getting defensive. "We are talking about me, about my book, about my life. That isn't fiction."

"Well, when I was with Peyton in LA she used to say that most of the stuff in the book was fiction anyway." Julian had been waiting to drop this bomb on Lucas.

"Wait, you knew Peyton in LA," Lucas asked with a hint of confusion.

"Oh, yeah. I knew every inch of Peyton. You were crazy to let that go." Julian smiled triumphantly.


	6. Chapter 6

"What

"What?" Lucas heard what Julian was saying but was in a daze. Did he just say he knew Peyton in L.A.?

"Oh, she didn't tell you?" Julian grinned. "Knew here well, went out for a while. But things go too serious and I ended it." He turned to look at a picture of Lucas and Peyton.

"No she didn't tell me," Lucas said shell shocked.

"Yeah, well, she just got weird after losing the baby," Julian dropped his second bombshell. "And I got out of there. But I always wonder what would have happened if we had had that baby."

"Baby?" Lucas sat back down on the couch.

"Wow, I really got the impression you two had the kind of relationship where you shared everything," Julian said smiling. He was loving this. "Guess I was wrong."

"Look, I gotta' shove off," Julian looked at his watch. "But I will call you later and we can talk more about the movie. This is going to be a good partnership. I can feel it."

Julian looked at Lucas still in stunned silence. Lucas didn't say a word as Julian walked out the door.

Peyton tried not to worry as she tried Lucas for what seemed like the 100th time and her call went straight to his voice mail. She had tried calling him when she first arrived in Chicago and at first didn't think anything about it. But as the day wore on and it became night she did begin to worry. She dealt with Mia's little problem and then boarded the first flight back to Tree Hill the next morning.

It was still early morning as she had caught a 6 a.m. flight. It was 8:30 a.m. when she walked into her house. The sun was shining through the windows but the house was dark. She used the back door that led into the bedroom she shared with Lucas and noticed the bed was already made. Lucas must have had an early day.

She lay her bag on the bed and went into the living room. That is where she found Lucas, sitting on the couch just staring into nothing. He was wearing the same jeans and blue shirt she watched him put on the morning before.

"Lucas," she said in a worried tone as she went to him. Peyton sat on the couch beside him and touched his leg. "Lucas, honey, what's the matter?"

"You had a baby," he said turning his gaze to her. "With Julian."

There it was. The truth that was haunting her for so long finally came out. Her breath escaped her and she felt tears form in her eyes.

"No," Peyton began. "I didn't have a baby. I lost a baby." She corrected him.

"Yes, but you knew him," Lucas said. "And you didn't say anything."

"Julian was part of a past I would like to forget," Peyton began. She scooted away from Lucas giving him the physical distance she could see had already formed metaphysically. "It wasn't a great time for me and it was something I would just soon forget."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lucas narrowed his gaze at her. His tone accusing.

"I was trying to find a way to tell you." But then Peyton stopped. Her sadness of her past began to be replaced with anger. "But you know what? The truth is, it is my past. And my choice if I should tell you or not."

"How do you see it that way?" Lucas stood and towered over her.

"Because you lost that privilege to know that part of me when you left me in that hotel room in L.A.," Peyton said. "You broke my heart that day Lucas. And I really thought we might get a second chance when you called me a year later to come to your book signing. But I saw you with Lindsey and I guess I felt it truly was over. I know now you weren't dating then, but what is done is done."

"Is it done, Peyton," Lucas fumed. "Because it looks like your past is back again."

"You arrogant bastard," Peyton said lifting herself from the couch to challenge him. "How much of your past have I had to swallow? Your ex-girlfriend who just happens to be my best friend, and an ex-fiance'e who just happens to be your editor. How you treated me, what you have said to me."

"Peyton," Lucas began.

"No," Peyton pointed her finger at Lucas. "This has finally got to be said. You had Lindsey but you chased ME Lucas, brought all my feelings back up when I came back to Tree Hill. And then I tried to be a friend to you, tried to bury my feelings. And then you reward me by telling me you hate me. But I got over that, because I was fighting for my happiness. And then you called me, and I came. Because I love you, I have always loved you."

"Peyton," Lucas tried again. But Peyton cut him off.

"So, then you sit in this house and don't answer my calls," Peyton continued. "Have me worried sick about you. And you accuse me about my past."

Lucas just stared at her.

"Nothing to say?" Peyton shook her head. "You are good at that. Just standing there staring. My God, Lucas. I lost a child. I was pregnant by a man I knew would never be you. And I prayed every night, after I found out I was having a baby, that I would lose it."

"I know it was hard, Peyton." Lucas tried to reach for her.

"Do you, Lucas?" Peyton walked further from him. "Do you know what it is like to lie in a hospital bed knowing your life is in shambles? That you lost a life that was growing inside you - equally mourning its passing and celebrating it. And then having someone come to you and tell you he was leaving you because it was getting to serious?"

"Peyton, please." Lucas tried again to reach for her. "I just got crazy with jealousy. To think someone else.." he stalled.

"What, to think someone other then you wanted me?" The tears were streaming down her face. "I wasn't a saint while we were apart, Lucas. And I had sex, lots of it. And I paid for it. I will pay for it the rest of my life. Because no matter what the future holds for me and if I am lucky enough to be gifted with a child, I will always know that child was not my first. That there will be a child that was a part of me that never was."

Peyton took a deep breath and walked away from Lucas.

"Where are you going?" Lucas chased after her. "Peyton wait."

She picked up her purse and went to the door. "I am going to Brooke's for a while," Peyton told him. "Don't follow me, please."

"Peyton, please stay."

"I love you, Lucas," Peyton said brushing a tear from her face. "I trusted you with my heart. I am just not sure if I should do that anymore."

With that she opened the door and walked out leaving Lucas in silence. So silent he heard the click of the door as it shut, wondering if he would ever hear it opening again and see Peyton walking through that door to him again.

What had he done? What could he do to fix it?


	7. Chapter 7

Peyton sat on the deck at Brooke's house overlooking the water

Peyton sat on the deck at Brooke's house overlooking the water. Over a year ago she sat in this very same spot with Brooke drinking wine and enjoying the fact that she had left L.A. and came home to Tree Hill.

She was again drinking wine but this time it wasn't for celebratory reason but to drown her sorrows, to numb the pain. To try and wash away the hurt she felt, the way Lucas had looked at her.

She had told Brooke very little about what happened to her in L.A. Not even her best friend knew she had been pregnant and lost a child. She didn't even know about Julian. All of that was in Peyton's past, something she hoped she could bury deep within her and never bring up again.

Julian coming to Tree Hill and dropping his bombshell about her past with him ruined that chance. And possibly ruined her last chance at happiness with Lucas.

She took another sip of her wine and let it ease down her throat. She looked over at the bottle, noticing it was almost empty. The sun was fading and she tried to enjoy the view, tried to find sense in it all. She was failing at both.

Brooke had tried to console her when Peyton entered her home tears streaming down her face. Peyton felt bad unloading her problems, yet again, onto Brooke who was struggling with a new company and being a foster mother to the run-away teen Sam.

Peyton finally told Brooke she had an argument with Lucas and just needed some space. Brooke eyed her suspiciously.

"You and Lucas never fight," Brooke prodded. "Never."

"First time for everything," Peyton told her and took over residence in Brooke's room, since Peyton's old room was now occupied by Sam.

Peyton stayed in Brooke's room for most of the day until she emerged, grabbed the bottle of wine and glass and then went to the deck. She had been there ever since.

Peyton knew Brooke was checking on her through the kitchen window. She could feel her eyes on her but she didn't turn around.

She just needed this solace, this time to think. Time to sort things out and lament her choices. She should have just told Lucas that she had known Julian, that they had a past. It wasn't like she had cheated on Lucas, she would never do that, she could never do that. Hell, when she was with Julian and believed she would never be with Lucas again, she still felt like she was cheating on him.

Peyton put the wine glass down on the side table and placed her hand on her abdomen. She thought about what Lucas had said to her two nights ago when they had forgotten to use protection. How happy he had looked at the prospect of her being pregnant.

A child by Lucas had always been her dream. It was what pained her so when she found out she was pregnant with Julian's child. She had cursed the fates when she found out, it should have been Lucas' she kept saying to herself. It should have been Lucas.

What if she was pregnant now? How twisted would fate be then? To offer her everything her heart desired and to taint it yet again. She leaned her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes wishing all of this away. Hoping to wake up and discover this had all been just a nightmare.

Brooke answered the knock at the door. She wasn't surprised to find Lucas Scott standing there. He was disheveled, hadn't shaved and his eyes were swollen and red.

"Brooke," he said as he started through the doorway. "I have to see Peyton."

Brooke stopped him, placing her palm on his chest. "Just wait Lucas. I don't know what is going on, but Peyton said if you came by she didn't want to see you."

"I have to see her," Lucas pushed by her. "Where is she?"

"Lucas,' her voice was forceful and it stopped Lucas' progress through Brooke's house. "You need to take a step back. Give Peyton her space. You know how she is, and how you can't push her."

"Uh," Lucas said in defeat. He sat down on Brooke's couch and put his head in his hands. "I fucked up, Brooke" He rubbed his hands across his cropped blonde hair. "I really screwed things up."

"What is going on, Lucas." Brooke asked as she sat down beside him. "What happened."

"A lot," it was all Lucas would say. "I have to see her."

Lucas got up and walked to the kitchen window. It was like he had a homing beacon and knew just where Peyton was. He looked out and saw the back of her head leaned against the deck chair. Her right hand hung over the edge and her long legs were outstretched still holding the hint of a tan from when the day they spent at the beach last week.

"Just leave her be for now, Lucas," Brooke suggested. She stood beside him and took his arm leaning him away from the window. "She won't tell me what happened but whatever it is has her shaken to her very core."

"I know," Lucas said. "And it is my fault. For continuing to not fully accept how much she loves me. For believing she could never love me as much as I love her."

"Go home, Lucas," Brooke said. "She will come around."

"I'm not so sure she will," Lucas told her. He smiled at Brooke, a fake smile laced with sadness. He walked to the door turned the knob and walked out. Brooke standing in the living room eyeing the doorway and then looking back at the door that led to Peyton.

Her heart hurt for her two best friends. They had suffered so, fought so hard to be together. Why couldn't fate just leave them alone for once?

Why do you continue to play the victim the voice in Peyton's head questioned? Why don't you ever stand up and say it is enough.

Peyton tried to block out the voice. She was tired of it all. Tired of fighting, tired of waiting for the bad to come, just tired in general.

When are you going to stop running? You fought for Lucas once, why are you giving up now?

"I'm not running," Peyton said aloud. "I am just tired."

Well wake up. The voice was loud and booming and caused Peyton to jump from her chair. The movement toppled the small table beside her and sent the wine glass crashing to the ground. It shattered into tiny pieces. Kind of like her life, shattered.

But then it came to her. Unlike the glass, her life could be put back together. It had happened before, it can happen again. So she had a past? So it was sordid but whose past wasn't?

If Lucas loved her, truly loved her he would accept that and understand what had happened to her. What she had gone through and realize that what she saw and what she did made her the woman she was today. The past was the girl she used to be and the future was the woman she was becoming.

Stepping over the shards of glass, Peyton walked to the door and into Brooke's house.

"Peyton," Brooke asked as Peyton brushed past her. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting my life back." Peyton stopped and gave Brooke a hug and smiled at her. "Thanks," she said as she quickly left.

The house was dark when Peyton returned. Lucas wasn't home. She decided to wait on him. She had waited years to get him back. What was a few more hours?

She turned on a lamp in the living room and sat on the couch. She played over and over in her mind what she would say to him. Wondering what he would say to her.

A knock on the door ended her thoughts. She went to the door and opened it. Julian was standing there.

"Well, well, well," he said with a smile. "Peyton Sawyer."

"Julian," Peyton said. "What are you doing here?" She wasted no time. "Why are you doing this?"

"The truth," Julian said leaning against the doorframe.

"For once it would be nice," Peyton challenged him.

"I was at home one day and saw this interview with a guy named Lucas Scott," Julian began. "I didn't have to think very hard to remember the name. How many times had you said his name while we were together."

Peyton dipped her head. He was telling the truth there.

"He was talking about his new book, "The Comet," and then the interviewer asked him about his first book," Julian continued. "The woman went on to ask him what ever became of the girl in his book, Peyton Sawyer."

Julian shifted his feet. "I remember walking over to the TV and just standing there waiting on his answer. Then I saw him smile and I knew his answer. We are getting married he said. The bastard was so proud I wanted to throw something at the TV."

"Why do all this, Julian," Peyton asked.

"I don't know," he admitted. "It started out that I wanted to see you again. I even bought Lucas' damn book. But then I realized it was good, really good, when I read it."

"It is better then good," Peyton said defending Lucas. "It is amazing."

"So, I decided I had to have it, the story," he said. "And in doing so I could see you again. Believe me, I know what I bastard I was to you."

Peyton shook her head.

"Maybe I wanted to see if he was worthy of you," Julian told her. "I know you never really loved me." His voice grew vulnerable. "I knew what I was to you. And for a time I didn't mind because this amazing woman wanted to be with me."

"Julian," Peyton said but he stopped her.

"But then it got too much, the pressure of being more to you then Lucas Scott." He paused a moment. "Then it was easy to cheat on you, easier then letting you go."

"Then you caught me, and I found out about the baby," he told her. "When they told you that you lost the baby, I saw the relief in your eyes and then I knew. Knew that I would never be what you needed, so I left. Put up my guard, acted the part you had given me as the callous lover, and left you."

"Julian, I never meant for any of this to happen," Peyton told her. "It's just that Lucas and I.."

"Peyton and I are meant to be," Peyton heard Lucas' voice behind Julian.

Both Julian and Peyton were so wrapped up in their conversation they didn't hear or see Lucas approach.

"Lucas," Peyton and Julian said in unison.

Julian turned and Peyton could she he had his guard up awaiting Lucas' move toward him.

But Lucas didn't advance toward Julian, instead he walked right past him to stand beside Peyton.

"Lucas, I'm," Peyton began.

"Don't say it Peyton," Lucas told her. He put his arm around her shoulders. "You have nothing to explain or be sorry for."

"As for you," Lucas directed his gaze toward Julian. "I know what it is like to loose her. To feel like you aren't worthy."

Julian nodded. "I'm sorry for all this, man." Julian told him. "Really I am."

Lucas nodded back to him.

"I still want to do this movie," Julian added.

"We'll get back to you." Lucas stepped back from the doorway easing Peyton with him and closed the door on Julian and Peyton's past.

"What say we talk about our future and forget the past," Lucas told her.

"I don't think I can ever really forget my past," Peyton admitted. "But I sure would like to talk about my future with you."

"That is a deal I would love to make." Lucas pulled Peyton to him and kissed her.

There was more to be said, other things to discuss. But for the moment Lucas and Peyton lived in the present letting the past slip past them and leaving the future to later.

Because if there was one thing Lucas Scott had learned it was that a future with Peyton Sawyer was worth more then a lifetime living in the past.


End file.
